The Awesome Diary
by Avengers of the Clique Fandom
Summary: Massie finds Cam's man journal. She's definitely not prepared for what's inside. Let's just say it's very… punny. Spring Exchange '13. For splendeur.


**Giftee: **splenda, splendy, splendicator, splendeur  
**Prompts:** secretaries, a faulty marriage, & "Let me (be) free."  
**Warning: **Crude language, sexual implications, and some really bad puns. Official discretionary.  
**AN: **So we took one of the more serious prompts and made pure humor. Hope you weren't expecting angst from the Avengers.

* * *

"What's this?"

Derrick glances up to see a leather bound book held between Massie's fingertips.

"Cam's diary."

"Diary? Why does a grown man have a diary?"

Derrick raises an eyebrow at her. "You're asking questions that none can fathom."

"What's in it?" Massie smoothes her hand over the cover in slow brushes.

"His feelings."

"Can I read it?"

"Sure but don't get mad at me when you have uncontrollable urges to push him out a window."

"Oh shush."

* * *

**January 17**

It all started when Derrick asked if we could have a chat (I went along because I worry about his self-esteem). He kept talking about this problem he had about something not so important and I made a tiny joke. I mean it was harmless I swear. I might have brought a stray cat to our apartment and he may have said he was allergic to cats, and I could have said that's 'cat-astrophic'.

Either way, I did not take kindly to him trying to strangle me with our new kitty's string toy.

The real kick to the nuts was his mention that my jokes were "unappreciated". Because if anything they're underappreciated! So, I decided I'd write down every joke that makes me grin, or anything that makes Derrick glare so much he blows up like one of those Airhead commercials.

He always mutters about how much he hates my smug smiles.

He must be allergic to cuteness or something.

* * *

**January 18**

I've decided to name our new kitty-cat 'Poppy' so that I can yell 'Ay Poppy!' in a thick mobster accent whenever I come home.

It royally pisses Derrick off which is incentive enough for me.

* * *

**January 31**

Today is our monthly trip to the zoo. Derrick gets a lot of feels when it comes to animals that are bigger than his forearm (give him a flamingo and he'll snuggle its face, buy him a pet spider and he'll forget to close the cage door; till this day I swear he did that on purpose). I think one day he'll try to smuggle a penguin out, and that's not a story I want to tell my cellmates. I picture it now:

'Oh me? I stabbed someone with a ballpoint pen. What'd you get locked up for?'

'Oh you know... penguin-knapping.'

Derrick is trying to talk to me but I'm too busy writing my musings down. Now he's telling me that my diary (he means The Awesome Book) is stupid. He led me to this. So using the concept of the transitive property that makes him stupid.

Damn. He bought me a churro. Now I have to listen to him else I break the bro code (death penalty to those who break it).

Derrick and I exchange some words that went something like this:

"So I told you about the girl I met at the hockey game?" Derrick inquires.

"Marley?" I ask staring in awe at my wonderful churro.

"Massie." Derrick sighs exasperatedly.

I shrug. "Oh yeah, that puck slut."

Oh beautiful churro with your sugary goodness that lights up my life.

"She's not a puck slut. She actually appreciates the mechanics of the game."

I hum my love for this fried doughy sweetness.

"Are you even paying attention?"

I perk up, finishing off the best dessert ever. "Yeah, gnarly Marley."

Derrick face palms. "Can you at least remember her name is Massie."

"Sassy Massie?"

"Just... just shut up. Anyways, Massie and I are going to a movie this Saturday. I really like her cause instead of one those chick-flick gag fests she wants to see that one with the hitman trying to save his family or clear his debt or something, anyways it's action-y and something I want to watch."

"I heard it was going to be a hit, man."

"That's it we're leaving."

"No! I demand more sugar!"

* * *

**February 11**

I was hired to be an administrative assistant and just finished my first week today.

Look at Derrick over there being all holier-than-thou and 'it's called being a secretary' and 'you're being used for your body'. Whatever, he won't be so damn smug when I rub Poppy all over his pillow.

My boss-lady is pretty nice. All her coworkers are male, so all their administrative assistants — Derrick, stop reading over my shoulder you smarmy bastard. Anyways, all their administrative assistants (not secretaries) are female. So all our AA powwow lunch breaks are quite the highlight of my day.

Now I'm not saying my fellow AA's are dumb, but they're definitely not smart.

For example, Olivia told this story...

"So we were completely plastered, and you know how England rains like all the time." Olivia has that schoolgirl primadonna lilt to her voice, where key words such as completely and all are greatly exaggerated.

"Really? All the time." I think I do the exaggeration better than anyone in my opinion (my opinion being the general consensus). "Where were you in England anyways?"

"I don't know, Cameron, I don't memorize every state in England."

"Right. States. Well please continue." I smile because it's all so hilarious. I'm close to just bursting out into uncontrollable laughter and rolling myself home like those Chef Boyardee commercials.

"Yeah so now we're soaking wet, and we obviously have to get out of the rain so we run into this random building and guess what?"

"There are nine times as many innies than outies." I have an innie, but I think outies are cool. You don't have to worry about someone trying to stick their finger in your belly button.

Olivia pauses for a second, but then continued without a hitch. "We were in a kidney bank!"

"Kidney bank?" One of the other girl, Nina, asked. "I thought they only had those in Muslim places."

Now I pause. "I'm pretty sure that's racist."

"I swear. There are kidney banks in England." Olivia stabs her salad and stuffs it in her mouth before chewing aggressively. I'm sorry, Leafy, you didn't deserve the hand you were dealt.

"There's also a Liverpool." There was no way to hold that laugh, why I even try the world may never know. It comes out like an awkward snort and sputter; no shame in my game.

They stare at me till I stop. "England has a liver pool? Ew. What do they do with it?."

Derrick's walking away from me now; he thinks I'm lying but I swear it happened. Who can make this shit up anyways? I'm certainly not that creative.

* * *

**February 22**

I met Massie today. I mean I've met her before, but this was the first time I was forced to hang out with her for long periods of time in actual proximity. I think we've formed a mutual hateship. Derrick says he's surprised that Massie and I "BFF" bonded so fast. Derrick's stupid and doesn't understand the depth of the hatefest between me and his new girlfriend.

You see, Awesome Book, if I were to speak hypothetically right now, and this happened to become a soap opera, and I happened to become of the female gender then I would be classified as the evil bitch trying to separate the star-crossed lovers of Massie and Derrick and their magnanimous relationship of puppies, and rainbows and other happy LCD inducing shit.

But since everything is the complete opposite, I'm just the best friend who has an affinity for annoying and frequently cockblocking Massie Block (it'd be my dream job if I actually got paid).

My new title, Archnemesis Cam Fisher, started this very day. On this very couch.

I minded my own business till the she-devil herself sat down next to me and said, "So what are we watching?"

We? No. This is my television, and my couch, and my bowl of cheerios, and my apartm— "Fuck! Give me the remote back," I yell, reaching for the Holy Grail in her evil clawed grasp.

"Hm. So what am I watching?" She has her sock covered foot on my chest pushing me away as I flail my arms at her. Not my best moment.

"Seriously, Cam, let her have it, it's not like you were watching TV anyways," Derrick, in all his stupid glory, calls from the kitchen.

"I wasn't sitting in front of it for my health, asshole," I answer back, sulking into the couch with a pout.

I'm contemplating the consequences of strangling Massie to death when Derrick walks in with two drinks and plops down between us. Damn, see what I get for hesitating. I snatch my phone from the table and start messing around with it in stubborn anger.

I open the Notepad app and type:

She-Devil and Henchman Boyfriend; 1  
Me; 0

We all sit like that for a while till I gasp in outrage.

"What are you doing?" The she-devil watches me carefully.

"Playing Candy Crush," I respond, saddened by my recent defeat in the level.

"What level you on?"

"Sixty-three."

"I'm on ninety-six," she states smugly.

"Oh really? I expected you to be on sixty-nine."

"Is that supposed to be an innuendo, pervert?"

"Do I have to make a blonde joke next?"

"Whatever, I'm still the Candy Crush master, bitch."

"Oh Massie, I didn't realize you were actually that kinky."

Getting the last word? That's one point for me, she-demon.

Derrick puts a hand up between us. "Be quiet I'm trying to watch Animal Planet."

The she-demon turns to her boyfriend minion. "What level are you on, babe?"

I make a gagging noise but Massie looks pleased so I stick my tongue out at her.

"I don't know like eleven."

We both stare at him agape.

"We've been sleeping in the same apartment for years and you didn't think that was relevant information. I feel betrayed." I wipe away a fake tear.

"And you expect me to bear your children?" Massie gasps placing a hand over her heart.

"How can this be your boyfriend?" I ask her.

"How can this be your best friend?" she counters.

I collapse to the floor. "All my life choices need to be reevaluated. I have no idea who I am anymore."

"Shut up, ya jerks," Derrick mutters drinking his soda with a pout he just can't pull off like I do.

"You know what I hate..." I say, still below them. "That I lose a heart every time I can't do a level."

Massie props her chin on her hand staring down at me. "If you connect to Facebook people will give you hearts."

"No I don't want to."

"It was just a suggestion." She doesn't like that I outright shut her down so she tries again. "But it'll help you progress."

I squint at her with a devious smile. "The only time I'm going to log into Facebook is when I'm a higher level than you, so you'll never see it coming till I strike. Then who will be whose Candy Crush bitch?"

I karate chop her shin before scurrying away to my room, bowl of cheerios unfortunately forgotten.

"Get a life, Cam!" Massie yells from the couch.

She-Devil and Henchman Boyfriend; 1  
Me; 2

* * *

**February 28**

Derrick has me watching the majestic life of an average gorilla. I can't believe some people think we evolved from apes, I mean they're not even close to being as attractive as me. Now I can see Derrick with ape ancestry and — Oh look Derrick's all butthurt cause I compared him to the baboon family. That's what he gets for being noisy. I now christen him barbaric Derrick.

Here's our monthly zoo conversation for your personal pleasure.

"So... what do you think about Massie?" Derrick asks, gaze focused on the monkey exhibit.

"Being around her is like getting bitten by a black widow spider."

Derrick rolls his eyes. It makes me want to test that theory; you know, the one where someone's rolling their eyes and you smack the back of their head, if their eyes get stuck like that. "Can you be serious for a moment?"

I blink at him innocently. Another example of what happens because of hesitation, I got to work on my reaction times.

When I don't say anything he continues. "I think I really like her, but it's only been a month and I don't want to rush things. It's the first time I look at a girl and I can see the rest of our life panned out. Of course after I finish college and everything." He gives me this sideways glance. "She's a keeper, ya know?"

"Yeah, keep-her in a cage and lock the door," I mutter.

"Are you still complaining about that spider incident? That was like a year ago."

"Ten months and two days actually."

"God you have the memory of an elephant."

I narrow my eyes, not sure whether that's a compliment or an insult. "Yeah well you remind me of a poodle. One of those prissy show poodles that parades around in circles thinking they're hotshit but they're really just vain."

"I'm not vain."

"I think it's time you left Egypt, you spent a little too long in de-nile."

"I hate that pun, it's stupid and old."

"But effective." I grin.

Derrick rolls his eyes. "Ow! You fuck, don't hit me."

* * *

**March 7**

Hey, this is not Derrick, and I did not take Cam's diary left out in the open. So since this isn't Derrick, I'd just like to say that Derrick is awesome. He's a handsome, intelligent guy that's got the whole world going for him. I, Cam, am trying to model my way of life after Derrick. Derrick is my hero, I worship the ground he walks on. I, Cam, know it might come off as obsession but I'm so —

I'm so sorry, Awesome Book, I tackled Derrick before he committed anymore debauchery on your precious pages. Do not fear, you have not been tainted so severely as I had feared.

Derrick thinks I broke his rib even though he's a pansy and probably only bruised his pinky toe. I hope you, Awesome Book, are satisfied with this justice.

Eye for an eye, or so they say.

* * *

**March 26**

Let's get straight into the insanity that happened to me.

Derrick stumbles through the door at midnight, fumbling around with the coat rack before I turn the lamp on next to me. He jumps sky high (I swear he almost hit the ceiling) and I cackle to myself. With Poppy in my lap I'm able to do the famous, villainous, scratching of the cat head.

"How long have you been there?" he mutters.

"Long enough to see you make out with that coat rack."

"I tripped, asshole."

I rub my chin in deep thought. "You've been gone for three days. I took the liberty of calling your mother."

"Seriously?"

"Yes, I told her you were being a bad Harrington; probably with drugs, sex and alcohol. I don't know why but that always gets a mother on the warpath."

"Stop lying."

I snicker. "Fine. But I did call her. I was worried for your wellbeing."

"I went to Vegas with Massie," Derrick grumbles. "What did my mom say?"

"She said, 'don't worry, Cameron, help is on the way.'"

Poppy doesn't like love unless its on her terms so she digs her nails into my thigh till I let her go. She hops away with meow and goes to curl up on the couch. The little traitor, ruining my perfect villain pose.

Derrick groans and stomps around for a few minutes.

"Your mom is pretty resourceful, an hour after I called her I saw you on the amber alerts."

"Can things get any worse?"

"She used your eleventh grade yearbook photo."

"That's... not that bad."

"Now you're just being modest."

It was that moment that I caught sight of it; the bane of my existence.

"What's on your hand?" I point accusingly.

Derrick holds up his right hand. "What?"

"Your other hand."

He raises his left hand and glinting off the lamplight is a small silver band wrapped around his ring finger.

"Oh this? Yeah, well, Massie and I got married." Derrick pauses. "In Vegas."

"Holy shit, that's horrible!" I see my life flash before my eyes.

"It's really not that bad. I mean we were kind of drunk but I love her so it's alright."

"Are you kidding? I don't care about that! My life is going to be hell now. You married the devil, don't you realize? You're no longer her henchman boyfriend you're-" I fill my voice with as much disgust as possible. "Her husband."

"Just admit that you and Massie are friends now."

"We-" I pause. "No we're enemies till my dying breath," I reply petulantly.

"You sound like a child."

"You sound like a child," I mock.

"I'm going to sleep." Derrick starts to head for his room, leaving articles of clothing in his wake.

Gah! Derrick is such an annoying, stupid poodle.

"I heard married people get really fat in their first year together!" I yell as I hear the door shut.

Serves him right.

* * *

**March 31**

Derrick decided that we should get something to eat at the zoo so I made him buy me a churro.

"How's your unholy union coming along?"

He supercharge glares in my direction. "Massie and I decided that we shouldn't act married. So yes officially we are, but we still need to finish college and have an actual career backing. Not to mention we rather not tell our parents. Better to pretend the marriage was planned."

"So I'm guessing it wasn't the right idea to tell your mom?" I question slyly.

"You did what! When?" Derrick stabs his fruit so hard he gives the bowl a dent.

"The night I found out, someone had to let her know you were alive. And considering I'm her favorite son-"

"She only has one son. It's me. She gave birth to me, I'm male, so I'm her only son. Defaulting to her favorite son."

"Technicalities. Your mom loves me more."

"You're such a kiss ass, I can't believe you told my mom."

I see that Derrick is rather distressed over the situation. So being the best friend that I am I decide to provide the solution that he's too stupid to come up with.

"I'll just tell her it's a misunderstanding. You came home drunk, told me that the ring on your finger was there because you got married to Massie, when in reality you put seven dollars worth of quarters in the supermarket's novelty vending machine till you guys got matching spider rings."

Derrick raises his eyebrows in a mix of surprise and relief. "Sometimes I forget you're my best friend," he teases waving his fruit on a fork at me.

"You don't deserve me." I flip my nonexistent long hair over my shoulder.

He chuckles before becoming pensive. "I wish Massie and I didn't have to follow all these protocols of marriage, that if we want to be together we can. Everyone would want us to have some grand wedding, but it's not about the celebration, to me it's about the commitment and I'm committed to her already."

"But I need to be your best man and throw your bachelor party and stuff so..." I point towards his fruit with a smirk. "You cant-elope."

Derrick shakes his head holding the green fruit slab out to me. "This is honeydew. Maybe next time."

"You definitely don't deserve me."

* * *

**April 12**

The she-devil breaks into our apartment at seven o'clock in the morning blowing an air horn. Why is anyone still in disbelief that she is evil? And so my morning went something like this.

"Our neighbors are going to shit bricks if you keep using that abomination." Once I wake up I can't fall back asleep so I beeline towards the kitchen to get the last ramen cup before Derrick.

Massie looks at her air horn before shrugging. "It's time for spring cleaning, boys!"

"Seriously, Mass. Can't you knock on the door like a normal person?" Derrick mutters, rubbing his eyes at the entrance to his room.

"I am normal," she snaps. "Plus you'll never wake up if I just ring your doorbell."

And here they go again. For people who claim to be madly in love they sure do bicker a fuck load.

Thankfully Derrick's response is to throw his hands up in the air and vanish back into his room. Women always need to have the last word, if they don't it's the start of a new argument.

Now that the she-devil's finished with her husband she sets her laser sights on me. I'm sitting on the counter with noodles sticking unceremoniously out of my mouth when she fixes the hand-on-hip head tilt in my direction.

"That's bad for you."

I slurp my noodles before wiping my mouth with the back of my hand; she's aghast. "Nothing so bad can taste so good."

"It's super high in sodium, sodium raises blood pressure. It's not good to have high blood pressure so early in adulthood."

"You're the only one giving me high blood pressure right now," I say, eating another spoonful.

"You're such a brat. Now go get dressed so you can grab the empty boxes from my car."

I follow her orders even though I feel like bitching. When I get back up to the apartment Massie and Derrick arguing with each other again. It's okay though, because I found a ten dollar bill under my bed.

Huzzah!

* * *

**April 26**

My AA powwow held some useful advice (surprisingly?).

"Cammie, are you okay? You look tired." Nina pets my head.

"Yeah, you're out of it today," Olivia remarks.

I yawn. "Yeah, my roommates and his new wife are constantly fighting over petty things. It's hard to sleep during my naptime."

"Poor baby," Nina coos.

"Is she preggo? Could just be hormones." Olivia points out.

I'm so surprised that the two girls laugh.

"Aw, you'd be an uncle, Cam." Nina claps gleefully.

Uncle of the devil spawn? No thank you.

"They probably just need a marriage vacation, stress-free."

And I'd have the apartment all to myself. "That sounds like a great idea."

So I tell Derrick the news.

"You should go take a vacation. I mean we still have a little bit left of spring break so go somewhere nice," I suggest.

Derrick shrugs. "I got to go meet Massie. See you later."

'Later' became approximately two hours later in which Derrick storms into the apartment with Massie on his heels, the two yelling louder than normal. I turn around to watch the exchange over the back of the couch.

"That's it, Massie. I'm leaving, I'm going to stay with my mom for a few days. Text me, call me, come over, I don't care, as long as you're ready to actually listen when you do."

I hear Derrick clomping around and a few of his clothes fly out his room and into the hallway.

"You're the one who's not listening, Derrick. Everything has to be your way or no way, and I can't get a word in. My future doesn't revolve around your schedule!"

"Sometimes you have to be ready to make sacrifices."

"Ugh! You're such a hypocrite."

It goes on like that for fifteen minutes or so, till Derrick walks out the door with a suitcase in one hand and keys in the other.

Massie watches him slam the door shut before she turns towards me.

"You told him to just leave?" She sounds more despondent than angry.

"I said he should take a break-"

"Are you fucking kidding? You have no right, okay. You can hate me all you want but don't fuck up our relationship." She looks exhausted, maybe on the verge of tears.

"Massie, I... I don't hate you." I rub the back of my neck awkwardly. "In my defense I was ninety-five percent sure that he would take you with him."

"Whatever, Cam." She walks out.

I spin around and watch the TV.

Oh look Pokémon is on. Just what I need to cure me of Derrick's stupidity.

* * *

**April 30**

I texted Derrick five times, and each time there's either no response or a half-assed one.

Stupid, prissy, Derrick poodle.

I'm watching Animal Planet, sulking in my own 'I should be at the zoo right now' mood when keys start to jingle behind the door. I spin around, ready to give Derrick the worst guilt trip of his life but it's not him. Instead Massie stands in the doorway with pursed lips.

It's weird that The Awesome Book has become less of a way to piss off Derrick and more of way to write down all these significant moments in my life. Kind of like a – fuck no this is not a diary. I'm sorry for even implying, implying it.

I'm still hilarious, just read this and you'll see.

"Hey, Cam." Massie shifts awkwardly in the doorway.

"Massie." I get back into my comfortable position, facing the television. Poppy climbs up the couch to lay on my chest with a hearty purr. "Stop standing there so uncomfortably. You haven't seen me naked or anything have you?"

"No, thank goodness." Massie sits down in the loveseat next to the couch.

There's a pause before Massie sighs. "Isn't Derrick allergic to cats?"

"Yup." I smile.

"I thought he'd be here, you know, cause of your monthly bromance trips."

"Derrick's stupid," I mutter, scratching Poppy behind her ear.

Massie stands up abruptly, scaring Poppy who digs her nails into my chest. I grunt, pushing her off me with an angry grumble.

"Come on, let's go to the zoo."

"You and me?" I ask incredulously.

"Yes, Cameron."

"Alright, I guess. But you have to buy me a churro."

Later at the zoo, Massie, like all overemotional women, gets… well, overemotional.

"I called Derrick but I always get mad. It's not even about the fights we had before, because I can't even remember those. It's just the fact that he ran away. I'm mad that he ran away, it feels like he gave up. Like he gave up on us." Massie looks out over the koala exhibit with a soft frown.

I snort (no matter what I'll always hate dark moods). "I've been his friend for a longtime, Mass, you have no idea how disgustingly lovesick he is. It almost makes me regret knowing him."

I guess whatever I said surprised her because she turns to me with a big grin.

"You called me Mass," she singsongs.

"So?"

"That's a nickname. Only best friends use nicknames."

I narrow my eyes. "We're not even friends."

"Yes we are. We're friends, Cammie." Massie glomps me into hug.

"Don't call me Cammie, and get away from me with your cooties!" I can't help but say it with a smile though, smiling is contagious and Massie can give the sun a run for its money with how bright she is.

"Only if you admit we're really great friends!" She squeezes me tighter. With her arms wrapping around my neck it feels like I'm getting choked.

"Alright, alright we're friends." She releases me from her imprisonment with a happy cheer. "You and Derrick are fucking made for each other."

Massie snorts in laughter. "I think so too. Obviously we're just too young and we rushed into it. We have our faults, our marriage even heightened them, but I love him. I know that we can overcome this rough patch."

"Trust me I know. The PDA was off the charts," I complain.

"The day I knew I loved him was the day he took me to the zoo. We walked around and he talked about everything he knew about animals. I told him my favorite animal was the koala and he spent the rest of the day harassing a bunch of zookeepers to get them to name a koala after me. It was one of the best times of my life."

"I'm well aware of Derrick's annoying tendencies."

Massie gave me a sideways glance, a smile on her lips.

"At the end of the day he pointed to the one with the white-ears and said 'I name thee Massie' and the zookeeper said 'that's a male'. You should have seen Derrick's face, fucking priceless. Too bad we never did get a koala named Massie."

"I'm guessing he didn't have all his koalaifications."

Massie clutches her side in laughter. "Derrick warned me about your stupid puns."

"Hey," I whined. "That one was good."

We lapse into silence.

"Thanks for taking me," I mutter, elbows leaning on the banister.

"No problem, Cammie." She places a hand on my shoulder. "Hey, you want to be my maid of honor?"

"Oh fuck you."

* * *

**May 1**

Derrick comes back today; he walks through the door with his suitcase and a paper bag.

Massie, who's playing "I Declare War" with me jumps up from her squat on the floor.

I'll just write the conversation since I know you're probably curious.

"Hey, asshole," I call when he just stands there frowning at Massie.

Derrick throws the paper bag at me, I catch it awkwardly. "Now be quiet while I talk to my wife."

I humph in annoyance.

Massie punches him in the arm before pulling him in for a kiss.

"Hey, babe," he murmurs.

"You_ are_ an asshole," Massie states.

"But you're my asshole," I mock from my sitting position.

Derrick glances over Massie's shoulder. "Looks like you two became best pals."

"We're not—" Massie glares at me. "I mean, we're great friends. The best-est." I gulp.

She turns back to her Derrick. "I'm sorry."

"Me too. I love you, Mass."

"Love you too, Der."

Just for curiosity sake I open the paper bag.

Oh sweet Jesus.

It's a bag full of churros.

Heaven has arrived.

* * *

**May 24**

The weirdest things happen to me.

Olivia starts to tell another crazy, unbelievable story…

"—then my mom couldn't believe I got a job as a secretary—"

"No!" I exclaim.

Both Nina and Olivia jump in surprise.

"We're not secretaries, we're administrative assistants."

"That's just a fancy title for secretaries, Cameron," Olivia remarks.

"No, no, no. It's a fancy title for administrative assistant."

Nina scratches her cheek. "That doesn't make any sense."

I can't believe they think that their job title is a secretary, how silly. Secretary isn't even a word in my vocabulary. Damn I'm never telling this story to — shit, what if Derrick finds The Awesome Book again? Why'd I write this down! Damn it. I can't just cross it out that's blasphemous.

I'll stuff you under my mattress or something; no one will ever find you.

* * *

**May 31**

For our monthly zoo visit Derrick decides to ask Massie if she'd like to join (we're like the three musketeers).

Derrick and Massie are holding hands and it's so adorable I want to puke rainbows.

We're at the bird exhibit when I hit Derrick with one of the best zoo puns of his life.

"Look at that bird over there. It looks sad." Massie points to an eagle.

"Yes." I nod, rubbing my chin, all sage-like. "It just mentally communicated 'let me be free, lesser creature, or I will call forth my flock!' or something like that."

"I've always thought the bird cages were too small. It's not right to confine such a majestic creature to such a small area," Derrick says.

"Are you saying it's ill-eagle?"

Massie snickers into Derrick's arm while her husband shakes his head. "How the hell do you come up with this stuff?" he questions.

"It's called being genius."

We gather around the llama pen next and Derrick buys Massie some pellets so she can feed those unstable, ravaging, spitting creatures. I'm wondering how I should go about trying to acquire their pelt when Derrick taps me on the shoulder.

"What?" I ask. They stare at me with opposing expressions. Massie with a blinding smile and Derrick with stern frown; they're both giving off creepy couple-y vibes.

"Derrick and I decided we're going to get our own place," Massie explains.

I nod. "Good, I don't think I could handle all the sex."

Derrick coughs (the more embarrassed of the two). "Jeez, Cam. Can you show some restraint?"

"I would say get a room, but that hasn't seemed to be helping any."

"Maybe you should stop listening, pervert." Massie quirks an eyebrow at me.

"Maybe you should stop screaming like Derrick's murdering you, nympho," I retort.

"Anyways, children, we haven't found a place yet, but we're looking. So you're still stuck with me, Cam."

I motion towards the llamas. "Alpaca your bags, and help you move out."

Bam. Just hit Derrick with the second best zoo pun of his life.

"I'm never taking you to a zoo again," Derrick states.

I strike a pose. "The show must go on!

* * *

"Holy shit."

"What?" Derrick finishes taping up one of the cardboard boxes.

"This is like our love story, unfortunately through Cam's eyes and his puns but still." Massie taps her chin. "Did you know he calls me the she-devil."

Derrick shrugs. "He might have mentioned it once or twice."

"He's lucky we're friends now or I'd have to kick his ass," she states, narrowing her eyes.

"Still feel free to commence with the ass kicking." Derrick carries the box and places it atop others.

The door is kicked open by Cam who stands there with empty boxes in his hand.

He stares at Massie in horror. "Are you holding what I think you're holding?"

"Your diary? Why yes I am."

"It's not a diary!" Cam proceeds to chase Massie as she uses various objects as a barrier.

Que the Benny Hill theme song.

Poppy scampers away amongst all the ruckus.

"Massie!" Cam whines, stomping his foot. "I swear to all things holy if you don't give me back The Awesome Book I'll kick your husband so hard in the balls he won't be able to reproduce."

"Just admit that this is a diary," Massie taunts while Derrick nonchalantly places a box in his lap for protection.

"Fine give me back... give me back The Awesome Diary," Cam grumbles.

"Here ya go!" Massie tosses the diary which Cam grabs and holds to his chest.

"I feel violated," Cam mutters. "Sassy Massie and Barbaric Derrick, you two are soulmates. I shall spoil your evil spawn children rotten."

"Love you too, Cammie."

* * *

**AN: **All puns were either heard or made up. Well... that was fun.


End file.
